So, is one born a Top? Or, can a Top be formed? This was partially inspired by
a NY Times article. Thanks for the beta Dizzy, you're the
Patrick looked at
the number he was about to dial and smiled. He had met Galen
at a party at a
mutual friends house several weeks ago. He just couldn't
believe how well
this was going. He knew he was falling hard and he thought
that maybe Galen
was feeling the same way.
Please, oh please let this work out, he
thought. He didn't want to move too
fast, but he felt this primal desire to
be with Galen all the time. They had
begun sharing a bed last weekend and
everything seemed so great ... mostly.
A shadow crossed his face as he
wondered whether Galen felt as strongly as he
did. Sometimes he felt like
Galen was holding something back. He didn't know
what it was or even how he
knew but he sometimes sensed a reserve there. He
shook his head trying to
shake out the doubts. This is just the jitters that
always happen at the
beginning of a relationship, he thought, nothing else.
But... If Galen
didn't want to pursue a relationship, well he knew he'd live but
he also knew
it would hurt.
Patrick hit the dial button for 'Galen cell' and was
relieved to hear Galen's
"Hey Patrick! I was just
thinking about you."
They had already made tentative plans, so Patrick
thought he would firm them up
a bit. "Hey Baby. I was wondering if you'd like
to go out for dinner tonight,
and maybe a movie if we can find something
There was a hesitation on the line. After a moment Galen said,
"yes, well, you
see Patrick... there's something I want to talk with you
about. I was going to
offer to make dinner at my place, or get carry-in,
whatever...." He trailed off.
All those insecurities that Patrick had
held at bay came rushing in with a
vengeance. He felt a pain in his chest and
he didn't think he could speak. His
thoughts came rushing in as he panicked:
oh god he doesn't feel the same way. Oh
god, oh god, oh god. Clearing his
throat and trying to speak normally, he said,
"that sounds fine Galen." And
then more softly, "what is it you want to talk
about?" There was a terrifying
silence on the phone.
Then, "Patrick, it's nothing bad. Something a
little embarrassing maybe but....
I'd rather talk in person, is that
Patrick felt himself relax and he took a deep breath. "That's fine
"Six it is. I'll see you
Patrick shook his head
ruefully. He would have thought that at age 27 these
sort of adolescent
emotional spikes and crashes wouldn't be happening. He really
they'd stop, it was exhausting.
Galen disconnected the
phone and took a deep breath. He so wanted this to work
out with Patrick. He
knew if he let Patrick become any more important to him
then he already was
then it would be that much harder to discuss what he had
Galen was finding it difficult to concentrate on his work. He
decided to leave
early and at four he cleaned up his desk and headed to the
grocery store. He
almost bought the swordfish but then he realized that he
didn't know if Patrick
liked swordfish. He thought about what Patrick had
ordered when they went out
and decided instead to make a pasta primavera and
to add some shrimp. Collecting
the ingredients Galen made his way to the
As he was waiting in line his thoughts went to the
upcoming evening and what he
wanted to discuss with Patrick. Even in the
relatively short amount of time
that he had known him he knew that Patrick
wouldn't be disgusted or dismiss his
needs as perverted or worse,
unimportant. He knew in his heart that Patrick
would never be cruel or
unkind. He did think that maybe it would be a shock and
that the more they
talked, the more turned off Patrick might become. Galen
sighed, that was a
risk he was going to have to take.
Galen had always thought he would fall
for the macho Top type of guy that he
favored in all the online stories he
read. He shook his head at himself and
mused, imagine, him falling for this
kind, gentle and rampantly vanilla man! He
knew disclosing his predilections
was a risk, a big one, but he had decided
several years ago that spanking and
discipline was something he wanted, even
needed, to be included in any
relationship he had. So, he took a deep breath
resigning himself to the
necessity of putting himself on the line with Patrick.
He began bagging the
Later as they ate dinner
together Patrick realized that for the first time
conversation was difficult.
From that very first party where they had met, he
and Galen had been able to
relax with each other and talk had come naturally.
Tonight however it felt
more like a first date where he felt like they were
searching for things to
say and having to endure awful, awkward silences.
As they finished Galen
sighed, "I'm sorry Patrick, I didn't mean to make this
such a big deal. I
mean it is important to me, but I guess I hoped it wouldn't
strange. It's just, I think we're starting off really great and I'm
.... oh for crying out loud I'm making this into such a big fucking
Galen smacked his hand down on the table in frustration.
out and lightly took the hand that Galen had just slapped the
"Galen, it's okay. If we are going to mean what I hope we are going
to each other then we have to be able to talk about anything, even if
hard. We especially need to talk about the things that are most important
us. Make a start, it doesn't have to be perfect."
"Let's go in the living
room?" Galen led the way into the next room and taking a
deep breath he
picked up the sheets of paper he had left there earlier.
actually imagine telling you this straight out so ... I wrote it
thought maybe you could read this and then we could talk."
Galen handed Patrick some pages stapled together.
Patrick took the sheets
Galen handed him and sat down on the couch starting to
read silently to
Galen watched him for a moment and then went back to the
himself with cleaning up. Ten minutes later as he was
beginning to make coffee
he heard and felt Patrick slip up behind him.
Patrick's arms came around him
and he kissed the nape of his neck then leaned
around his shoulder to land a
kiss on his cheek as well.
Then he said
softly into his ear, "Galen, sweetheart, I am so glad you told
"Patrick, I know you're not into this, I don't want you
having to do anything
you're uncomfortable with. But... as you now know this
isn't something that I
can just turn off or forget about." Galen felt his
hands shaking a little. He
pushed the button on the coffee maker and Patrick
took his hand pulling him
toward the living room. They sat down together on
Looking at him with kind brown eyes Patrick said,"Galen,
honey, I will always
respect who you are and the things that are important to
Galen stared at the coffee table doubtfully, "But, this is not
have an interest in. I didn't want to not tell you. I wanted
you to know this
upfront about me, in case... well, in case you didn't want
to..... " Galen
trailed off unable to make himself say it.
honesty and integrity humbles me darling." Galen looked at him a
dubiously so Patrick added, "really." And he smiled his amazing smile,
at Galen with those kind eyes, Galen couldn't help the water that
Patrick sighed, "You're right though, spanking
and discipline hasn't been a part
of my inner life like it has been for you."
Galen flinched a little as Patrick
said the word spanking. But he made
himself look at Patrick as he continued.
"But, Galen, how can there not be
differences? Isn't that what makes life
interesting? And when you can meet
the needs of your partner, isn't that what
makes relationships fulfilling?
Darling, we have a lot to talk about and I
don't imagine it will be easy but
I will try my very best to be who you need me
"But, I don't
want you to have to fake it....." Galen found himself struggling
back tears again.
But Patrick was already shaking his head, "Galen, I
won't be faking it. If you
had an interest in ice skating say, and I had
previously had no interest but I
learned how to skate so that I could enjoy
it with you. Would you think I was
faking it? The fact is, I would be
enjoying sharing something that is important
to you. It would give me
pleasure. This is the same thing. I feel beyond lucky
to be given a clue to
know how I can help you be fulfilled and happy."
Galen searched Patrick's
eyes but couldn't find anything there except sincerity.
He felt his body
relax as he gave into the desire to believe Patrick and to
believe this was
going to be alright.
He took a deep breath and released it slowly. "Ah,
Patrick. I think I beyond
Patrick stood at the bottom of the stairs and lifted his
voice to reach the
bedroom upstairs. "Galen! Come down here
The shout was returned, "In a few minutes."
With exasperation written on his face and in his voice, Galen
came to the top of
the stairs. "Jeez.. what do you want?"
tone please and I asked you to come downstairs." Patrick crossed his
watched his partner come slowly down the stairs to where he was
had a message on my cell. It was the doctors office asking why you
your appointment, again."
Galen's head jerked up as he exclaimed, "Oh
shit, I can't believe I forgot ...
again. Hey, what happened to privacy
"You gave them my number, remember? This appointment is
important Galen. You
know that but you persist in not making it a priority."
Patrick's voice was
"I just forgot, Patrick!" Galen said
"Yes, for the third time. I think your memory needs a
mnemonic to help it. You
can pull the chair out, and I'll get the paddle."
Patrick turned and began to
walk toward the cabinet against the
Galen's eyes widened in alarm. "Patrick!"
Galen and fixed him with a glare from narrowed eyes.
Galen huffed and crossed his arms looking back at his
partner with a frown.
"Jeez... and to think you previously led a mild
mannered non bossy life..."
"You are a wonderful tutor, Galen. You taught
me everything I know. Now quit
stalling and move that chair.